I have found myself in a new place in my life. I am loving being a 'Nana' and adjusting to adult like children and watching God touch their lives - as they allow Him to.... but as for me, change and perhaps a new adventure. Hopefully growth.
I believe change to be good. I also believe it can stretch our character to places we had no idea existed.
For me, I have always said 'yes' and rarely 'no' to most challenges presented my way. Always been the volunteer, cook, babysitter, surrogate whatever, etc., and .........always, yes always, tried to do this without motive other than to bless others. You know, the golden rule thing.
Regardless of what anyone thought or thinks - it's true.
Well.... I am taking a break from this character trait for a season.
In the past, I have been lulled into all kinds of things that have not always been God's choice, but my own. Oh I am not saying it was for personal gain at any time, I am saying that maybe.....I occasionally jumped to the 'yes' before I really allowed God's direction in the matter.
I cannot honestly say that I have come to this without a circumstance or two which I allowed myself to be upset about, however, I know that God's plan is not my plan and if I want to resume the same 'as unto the Lord' attitude with even more passion than before, I need to step back and allow myself some ministry.
You see, there are people who have always come to your side, held your arms in the hour of your weakness, quietly cleaned up after your joys, standing back - yet at your reach, allowed you your grief, brought the basket full to your table, prayed hours on your behalf, and laughed with unspeakable joy with your families...... now, I need this from you. I am tired. I am weary. I feel weak. Even broken.
Funny, I still feel like a strong, empowered woman of God. Still hearing His voice, feeling the power of His spirit, even willing to 'go' when he calls and bending a knee for others when tugged.
I just need some spiritual respite and space.
For a few in my life....
I need time to forgive..... you and especially myself.
Being hurt or allowing yourself to be hurt or whatever definition you may hold to be true.... it can hold you back if you let it. Some say the problem lies in the fact you let it hurt you. Some say the solution is to give it to the Lord and it shouldn't be a hurting factor any longer - only a tool of growth used for personal reflection and an example for yourself and others to learn from.
I say sometimes it's just a hurt.
Don't try to figure it out or name it.
It's something to bring us to the place where we cry because we need to.
A place where we shout or stomp, or maybe stand still and take a deep breath we hadn't realized we truly needed.
It's a hurt.
It needs healing like a cut that at first stings, then bleeds, then remains a little sore while the scab forms, bringing new growth from the inside out, then comes the itch of repair and healing, and finally a little scar to remind us of how it all happened in the first place and maybe, hopefully, the realization of how to avoid it happening again.
Whether you stand and cry in the corner or yell at the car crowding your lane or better yet, take that deep breath and ask God for whatever you think you need to pull through the hurt and healing process........ it still hurts. It's supposed to.
Grow from it.
But listen to your heart. Listen to the Holy Spirit lead you through it as I hope to.
Don't spend time on it, don't give in to the hurt, seek the healing.
Know the grow time is on it's way. Take joy in knowing God is empowering you with yet another tool to spread the gospel with or maybe it's just for you.
For now, I find peace in knowing that I need to be quite. Really, quiet and even 'thoughtless'. I am not backsliding or mad at God or ready to give up the commitment of my passion to walk with Christ.
I am waiting on the Lord..... looking for the place of abandonment and surrendor to Him...... wait with me........ just like in times you've needed me, I need you. xo
"for without conflict there is no growth...."nkjv
9 years ago
